We started from the bottom, now we’re here

You had formula for the first time today.

We have exclusively breast fed for the entirety of your young life, but today your hunger surpassed what I am able to provide for you, and I had to use an outside source.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I was at work and my MOM had to use an outside source.

It was quite stress inducing to know that I am far from you when I am at work and can’t help you.

When I got that message that you were drinking the last of the supply, a small part of me panicked. What are we going to do?

The answer is simple, but I didn’t want that answer. I wanted to be all you will ever need.

How silly of me.

I called Mason and told him that I know we have to supplement your feedings with formula and there is no reason for me to be sad, but I am. He told me that it’s okay for me to be sad. And I’m okay with that.

All of this got me thinking… what is it that is making me sad?

Is it our society that I’m hearing in the back of my mind? A society that is quick to judge, a society that puts women down for not breastfeeding?

Is it the fact that we had to work so hard to establish a healthy milk supply and now I am not enough? I have done everything possible to my knowledge to have and keep a milk supply for you while working full time (pumping before a shift, after a shift and pumping three separate times during every 12 hour shift); it isn’t enough.

Or maybe, I’m simply not ready for you to outgrow me.

Today gave me all the feels. Some that I could label and some that I could not.

I felt helpless, anxious, grateful, thankful, and ridiculous.

Motherhood will do that to you.

I felt helpless because I wasn’t there when you needed me. I was helping someone else.

I was anxious because I like to be there for your “firsts” and I couldn’t be today.

I am grateful to my mother who stood in the aisle at Target and had the hard job of choosing which formula you would try for the first time.

I am thankful that we have had 5 amazing months of breastfeeding. I am also thankful that there is the option of formula.

And I felt ridiculous because while all this was going on, I was STILL PUMPING.

I love you, kid. I love you so much.